We are in the midst of the most difficult parenting challenge that we have ever dealt with.
Brett and I have decided that Sophie needs to learn to put herself to sleep. After a month or more of increasingly frequent night wakings, combined with the desperate need for the breast to put her back to sleep, we needed to take the reins and help our girl out of this situation.
Last night Brett put her down, and it was a really hard night for all of us. I sat outside in the backyard and bit my fingernails to a gristly pulp. It killed me not to be inside, but I knew that if Sophie saw me (and could smell my milk), it would be even more difficult for her. Brett stayed loyally by her side, helping her learn the first of many difficult skills.
Sophie was sad, mad, confused-- but so very brave. She cried until she threw up. It took an hour and 15 minutes until she fell asleep, but she did it. For the last 10 minutes she was trying so hard to do it--apparently she kept shutting her eyes and then jerking awake, repeating this until she fell into slumber.
She had two more one hour 'awake' sessions during the night, as well as one 30 min. session. Apparently, by the last one, she wasn't even really crying, just awake and working on it.
Today has been the darkest day of my parenting career. I have felt like there is a hole where my heart was. This process has had me not only disregard all of my instincts, but violently oppose them. But I know that Sophie needs to learn this skill. My sister Kathy taught me an important lesson with Jonah-- she did everything to try and avoid the 'cry', and battered and bruised, after a year, she also had to do the inevitable.
This morning I spent crying. Pretty much for the whole morning. I knew that I couldn't breastfeed her to sleep, and after 8 months of this habit, I need 'breaking' as much as Sophie does. We went to the Beaches to walk with my dear friend Tracey. She listened to me and was a huge support. Soph didn't sleep much on the walk and I felt hopeless. Tears streamed down my face after Tracey left. I didn't want to go home to follow through what we had started- but I knew that we had/have to. I didn't know how I could have her sleep without making her cry and without breastfeeding her. I knew Brett had the strength to do it for her, but I didn't feel strong. I felt weak, panicked and lost.
I realized that part of my sadness is the end of a chapter in Sophie's life--Brett can now take a more primary part in her life, which is absolutely an important and crucial thing. I can now have more time away, which is absolutely important and crucial--but it is hard to give it up at the same time. It sounds like I am weaning her, which I'm not, but the umbilical cord is stretching. That stretch is hurting.
We came home and I had a tearful phone call with my sister-in-law Vanessa. She has recently been through the same process and had lots of empathy and support. While I was crying I looked down at Sophie on her tummytime rug where she had been playing, only to realize that she had fallen asleep!!! Just like that--no tears. All morning I had been terrified and now she was asleep. Leave it to my girl to say 'it's okay momma, I'm learning how. I'm okay.' We both slept on the floor for a bit over an hour.
She woke up and we played for two hours--then Sophie started getting sleepy again. I felt scared, but more confidet after her 'tummytime' nap. We came downstairs. I nursed her, then put her in her crib--awake. This was what I had been dreading in the pit of my stomach since we made the decision to start this process. I took a deep breath. I knew that I had to be brave for our girl. 30 minutes later she is asleep. She cried, but not hysterically. It's as if she was saying 'momma, I'm trying. I just don't know how'. I kept stroking her hair and saying 'You can do it lionheart. You can do it'. And she did.
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5 comments:
I'm crying, wrenching sobs, actually. You can do this...the strength will come from a place you don't even know. We're in your corner! You are such a good, good mother to Sophie.
Hi there Karen,
I am an old friend of Melody's and I found your link on her site. I hope you don't mind me commenting on this one. I have a two year old boy and when I read your post I just had to share my story with you. I read all the books about teaching him from the start to soothe himself and sleep on his own. As a result he was sleeping through the night on his own by 7 weeks. (not making you feel better??-give me a sec) When he was exactly 7 months old he decided he didn't want to be in his crib anymore and he would scream, rage, and puke! I can remember sitting outside his door sobbing. My doctor told me that I had to get thick skin and this phase would not last long. I can remember my husband telling me to go take a shower so I couldn't hear him cry (still nursing) I questioned every second of those days but sure enough he trained himself again in a matter of days. Each would get better and I think it only lasted maybe a week ( however I know I have stress wrinkles from that week that look like I spent years on)
Anyway, What I wanted to tell you is this- Don't feel guilty about not starting this training earlier because as you can see, that doesn't always exempt you from what will be. Before you know it this will be your story of encouragement for a new mom.
Sophie's lionheart is a reflection of yours! You girls can do this!
Another thing, My son has just moved to a big boy bed and is in the middle of potty training. This has gone so smoothly that I found myself in tears one day for that fact alone. He is growing up and I'm not ready for that! I feel for you! It's normal and while we celebrate all of our children's milestones we love them so fiercely it bruises us a little.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It means so much to hear that this too shall pass. I appreciate your story, and it gives me hope.
As for the potty training and big boy bed---it seems that each step of this parenting journey is so bittersweet.
We give our kids wings and roots---the wings are the hard part.
Thank you again for sharing your story--I appreciate it.
And we are both so lucky to have Melody as a friend. She has been there for me through thick and thin- this week included. Thanks Mel.
Thanks for leaving a commnet on my blog and this link to your post. It was very reassuring to read about you going through the same things, especially the hole in your heart part, that's the part that gets me the most. Things are already getting easier after only 4 days, but I too dread bedtime every night. Anyways, I'm sure Lionheart is well past all this and you are fine now, but i just wanted to say think you.
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