Turn off the Treadmill

A treadmill, this is kind of how my life feels right now.

Warning--this is a bit of a downer post, and I apologize in advance. Remember that soon after I post this I will have moved on, be happily chatting on the phone or watching mind-numbing bad-good TV. So, grain of salt.

Life is a bit challenging these days. Sophie has been sleeping really well, so that's not even to blame. And I love our two hours together before school in the morning--just the two of us. But leaving her for school is getting harder and harder. I thought it was supposed to get easier. It's not. I still cry many of the mornings. It still feels really wrong.

At school I feel like my heart is not there. I feel like a different teacher than I used to be. People used to always comment about the amount of energy I had in the classroom---I feel like this energy is gone. I'm just trying to get through to the end of June. I've never wanted to be one of those teachers. From the minute I leave my house I'm waiting for 3:30--when I can leave and race home to kiss my girl.

When I get home that hug, kiss and squeal is golden. Sometimes that makes me want to cry too--to see her that happy means that without me there a piece of her was a bit sad. I want to be taken for granted. I want to be always there.

But soon after I get home life gets demanding. Sophie is a healthy, vibrant 19 month old. She is monkey-ish these days, especially before dinner (witching) hour. She is getting the worst of me at this time. I am exhausted after a full day of work, and she's bored/tired/all played out with her things and wanting lots of stimulation. I am often watching the clock waiting for 7:30pm when the day is done. Because I just want a break. And then I feel sick for thinking that way, for someone who hardly gets to see their baby. I just feel like there's not much left to give.

Many afternoons I'm lying on the floor of the toyroom playing with Sophie. This afternoon she started lying and playing on her back too. This is the model that I am setting for her. Yuck.

I know that the summer is quickly approaching. And I just need to hang on a bit more. Next year I have accepted a different teaching position (at the same school) that will hopefully be less challenging and less involved. But it still feels like a long month until the end of June. I am aching to be home with Sophie again.

Brett, as always, is my rock. He has been so incredibly supportive. He has a hot meal prepared every day when I get home. He is handling my emotional outbursts. He often suggests he could take Sophie to the park for me to have downtime and rest. But with so little time with her during the day, I don't want to miss a second---even if it means me lying on the floor like a limp piece of celery. We're together.

So, there you have it. To be somewhat dramatic I'd say I'm feeling like a half-empty teacher, half-empty mom and a full-empty wife.