The Bear Cubs

What a few weeks. Cold--flu--another cold--and now, I think, 1 year molars. It has been a really rough go for us the past few weeks, so rough that I haven't even felt up to posting anything. I haven't felt like I've had anything positive to say, so my tendency is to stop writing.
I've been having a pretty big pity party the past couple of weeks. I've been dwelling in the land of worry and self-pity. Bouncing between pity, and then feeling really ticked off at myself for feeling sorry for myself---as I have a wonderful, amazing, healthy, adorable little human that I am so so blessed to be near. Adding guilt onto a pity party isn't a good idea.
When I get 'like this' it usually means that I'm extremely sleep deprived--my perspective goes out the window--and then I yell out the window trying to get it back. Unfortunately, I need 3 or 4 consecutive hours of sleep to get it back...and that ain't happening right now.

Here's the Reader's Digest Update. As I wrote, Soph had a nasty flu. On Monday her fever was over and she seemed better, so we drove home to visit the family (a bit later than planned) because Brett was busy doing a show around the clock. Unfortunately, our sweet pea wasn't better, so the week was really challenging. She was up in the night many, many, many, many times. The poor thing--I can complain because I am tired, but she has been not only tired, but sick and uncomfortable. And here I am focusing on me. Brutal.

I think this cold is unfortunately timed with potential molar action (read--nightmare. The grand poobah of teething pain). I have had many sobbing outbursts at 3am the past week, honestly for the first time since beginning this parenting journey thinking that I really can't do it anymore. I'm not up to the job. Feeling weak, weak, weak. Feeling unworthy of being Soph's mom. Feeling constantly one step behind. Feeling really self-involved that instead of focusing on Sophie, I've been wallowing in my own-ness. Feeling like nobody else has this happen in their world. Every other baby in our world seems to have no problems eating, and sleeping.

Yeah- of course, feeling crummy, Sophie stopped eating. Pretty much totally. As to be expected. Except that since she's so wee, and even on the best of days isn't interested in eating, this has been an extra big ol' stress. Luckily the past few days her appetite is coming back a little bit.

Anyway, our family incredibly stepped up to the plate--as always. We have so much to be thankful for. They made the week as easy as it could be, encouraging me to sleep at any available moment, making me meals, hugs, and support.

I just feel like it's never going to end. Like this cold isn't going to leave. I know that sounds silly, but honestly that's how I feel. And does she have an ear infection? Strep throat? Should I have forced food on her when she was littler? Is she not getting better because she won't eat? Sleep? What is my role in this? Never ending thoughts popping in and out of my head have added to the exaustion.

So today Brett gave me a huge gift. He sent me away from babyland. He sent me to one of my favourite places, the Christmas craft show. I ate street meat, walked in the beautiful weather and walked down aisle after aisle of artwork of all kinds. It's hard to feel sad when you're surrounded by so much beauty and creation. A step back was just what I needed. To leave for a couple of hours. To come home to a sweet baby, who I missed desperately.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am thankful to have a healthy baby (big picture). I am thankful to be able to spend tomorrow with her. Kissing her, hugging her, loving her.

I realized that the past two weeks I have hardly laughed with Sophie. I feel like I have missed the joy in the past two weeks of her life. So tonight before her bath, I stripped her down on my bed and tickled her until we were both laughing and laughing. It felt really good.

She will eat. She will grow. She will get over this cold. She will sleep. I need to take a few weights off of my shoulder and try to remember to laugh, just a bit, but laugh.